Drumming Journey: Part 1

The drumming journey has been by far the hardest part of this course for me. It's not due to anything outside of myself. I have had a block in my mind and in my chest that I haven't been able to fully carve out.  Part of the reason is because of the fear I wrote about at the start of this blog. I was afraid that the totem animal would somehow not be the one that I needed. That we wouldn't be a good fit.

I really wanted otter. I don't know why except that I love the animal dearly. I love their playfulness. I love the way they glide through the water. I especially love their stubby wittle wegs! The cute! It burns!

But no. Otter is not my totem animal.

Starting the process of meditation was not easy. Nothing wanted to work! The music file would not load or play correctly until the 15th try. I couldn't get comfortable on the bed. My brain wouldn't shuuuuttttupp! Complete Princess and the Pea moment, right? Right. (Although I am certainly no princess, and even if there was a pea to cause me discomfort I would have showed it who's boss by EATING THE SUCKER. Mwahaha! ...But I digress!)



After multiple tries things finally fell into place. I started to relax and follow into my spirit self into my underworld.

Normally my process of meditation is to set myself in the woods behind Nana's house. In middle school my best friend and I had attempted to built a secret meeting place only for it to be plowed up by the town. Sad, but the place was still sacred to me.

I kept getting a tug telling me that this wasn't the place I needed to go. "Go through the crackled, blue door and get to where you need to be!" Instructed the voice. I sighed, but did as told.

Crossing the threshold of my favorite door I found myself in the middle of a vast dessert unlike anything I'd ever seen. The mountains were beautiful and majestic and serene. And also very, very far off in the distance. I was looking around me for some sign of life. I imagined a small town off in the distance. And then a tumbleweed would try and blow by. But the tugging persisted and told me to "Stand still and wait." More sighing, more obeying.

Soon enough the wind blew up the dust and through it pranced a beautiful, large white fox. He had a sort of smirk on his face and a sparkle in his eye. I asked if he was my spirit guide, he nodded and agreed that I was. He never stopped looking directly at me and dancing around while I stood there and watched. I'm not particularly impatient, but I was getting tired of trying to hard to understand all that was going on that I eventually stomped my foot and asked him if there was a message for me. He nodded again, still grinning and prancing around. I got fed up and asked him what it was. There was some yipping on his part, which I couldn't translate.

After some time I heard a rattle behind me. Turning to see what it was, the wind again picked up the dust and a white snake shook her head and revealed herself to me. "He says to blend. Blend! Blend innn!" She hissed, not threateningly, but kindly so that the words would sink in.

I remember looking shocked and then relieved. Snake and White Fox read my mind and suddenly there was a bonfire between myself and Fox. He transformed into a handsome American Indian and started dancing around the flames smiling happily. He asked me to join him, Snake gave a psychic nudge (so she was the one nudging me around!), and I joined in the dance. Making up the moves as I went alone and soon falling into rhythm with Fox. Snake shook her rattle to the beat.

I felt, and saw, myself transforming. No longer my waking self, but becoming more my intended self. I had wild, bushy white blond hair that almost looked like fur. My skin was a different shade of pale, and my eyes became dark brown-black. My clothes turned into an off-white prairie dress and I was barefoot.

I rolled over and woke up as soon as the drum beat sounded it's final note.