Something has been on my mind a lot lately. The idea of picking a path to travel on is a recurring theme in my life and in my art. Pointing blindly to a dot on a map, going wherever the wind takes me, or choosing between one relationship or another has never been my strong suit. Sure I'm great at helping friends and family cut through all the b.s. to get to where they need to go, but when it comes to doing so for myself I tense up and sputter out.
Being more decisive is one of my areas of weakness I've been hacking at for the better part of a year now. The hardest choice for me is standing still vs. moving. Questions arise such as "what will he think if I choose this person over him?", "Do I have to hurt someone's feelings? What happens if I hurt the wrong person?", and "If I do this, just how do I go about it?" Putting it down in writing it looks silly and trivial, but I feel that these are strong and valid questions just the same.
In the end it boils down to the fact that I have to remember that it doesn't matter so much what someone thinks of me, so long as I think strongly of myself. People's feelings get hurt every day, that's just a part of life. People move on from disappointment, and that's okay. I remind myself of how many times someone has hurt me in such a way that I thought I wouldn't recover. Then I realize I made it through that labyrinth, the next one won't be any worse.
As for not knowing how to go about doing what I set out to do, well, that's a matter of letting go. If I knew how half of the stuff in my life would have turned out I probably wouldn't have done them. But from each of those experiences I understood myself more and more. We learn from our mistakes and missteps do we not?
I've decided to just see which way I feel drawn towards- which direction has the strongest magnetic hold on me. I have a feeling that right now it's pointing more North West, we'll see in time.
Until then I'm just going to keep my feet in front of me, one foot in front of the other, and see where I end up. :)
