The timing on this could not have been more perfect even if it tried. I cannot properly express how much trouble I've been having trying to unblock myself from myself. It seems like a silly concept, but when it comes down to it the only person standing in my way is...me. Well, the fearful side of me I should say.
All through this course so far there has been a tremendous amount of fear built up. What if this group rejects me, even though all I want is to belong? What if there's nothing in the deep for me to mine and bring to the surface? Will I come off as clingy, desperate, or look like a teacher's pet if I ask questions or look for help? What if nothing I do works? Where will I be then?
Thankfully, most of these fears have subsided enough so that I can do the work and not hesitate. There have been times, however brief, where I have been tempted to stop. But when I think about quitting, I know how badly I'll feel if I don't complete something. (I'm bad about that!) And I also remember how much I wanted to do this course and how much I've gained from the experience already.
So even though my steps are sometimes full of doubt I keep plodding along. Fox has been kindly nudging me along my way, reminding me that I can trust my feet and that there will always be something solid beneath them.
After seeing this week's video I referred back to an old livejournal entry I had written five years ago this month. Since we are dealing with Mother Ocean this week I was immediately reminded of it. Every word that I wrote sitting on that beach in North Carolina all those years ago still rings true today. Reading it again I am reminded how serene and open the water is. And how The Letting Go is so much easier there.
One of the things I wanted to do this week before even having seen the video was get back to the pool for some quality swim time. I haven't been in two weeks and I can already tell what a difference it had made. The bonus is that the filtration system at the pool I go to is salt based and not chlorine based like so many others. Making the water more pure and gentle. Another bonus!
So yes- where I am this week is just re-learning to Let Go and be in my own skin the way I used to be and how I remember being. I'll go ahead and copy that entry I spoke of below, in hopes that it might better illustrate what I was talking about. Maybe it'll ring true for some of you as well?
Much Love!
*Written on August 6th, 2006*
I am at the sea. It is healing to me, and it is healing me. I had thought that what I needed was the solitude of the forest, but the truth was I had been in the forest for too long and had become saturated by it. I needed to be let open, not held in. I needed to be wide and spread, not contained. A day and a half here and I can already feel the healing process beginning to take effect.
I enjoy the sea, and for probably the first time in my life, I am not afraid of it. I am impressed, or rather, in awe of its beauty-but especially its power. The waves are neither calm nor violent. They can carry you in or take you out; your control over it is limited. You can only control how you react to it. It all feels rather majestic to me now. I feel so bare and natural here. I feel a sort of nakedness here as well. Not in that scary, being naked in front of a classroom full of people kind of naked. Rather, a calm, freeing, returning to the earth via the sea kind of naked.
I have arrived. I am journeying in and out with the tide. It is a rare and beautiful thing.
My legs have power here. I have thought of my legs as another part of my body worth hiding. Today brought about a different thought as I bounded in and out of the waves and swam and ran in the ocean. Suddenly, my legs felt powerful and graceful. I moved with ease thru all of the waves. My legs embraced the teal and emerald water like a ballerina on the stage. I felt immensely swan like, (like a swan under water).
I am being allowed to mix and mingle with the water of a truer earth. An open earth. That allows parts of herself to be tamed, tortured, and polluted. Only to cleanse herself and rid herself of the evils intermittently. I believe that that is what attracts me so to the sea. She is not often taken care of by those that she allows in, but she needs very little help. The ocean takes care of herself. She is not to be taken lightly, however. She can tease, taunt, and torment at her own will. She reminds me often of that, even though she lets all of us in-she cannot be claimed. I admire that in a woman.
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