A Week in the West

This week I'll be journeying along with my fellow Lodge Sisters in the West. Unfortunately it won't be a literal journey, although I can't think of anything better than a camping trip with this new found tribe of wonderfully wild women!

The timing on this could not have been more perfect even if it tried. I cannot properly express how much trouble I've been having trying to unblock myself from myself. It seems like a silly concept, but when it comes down to it the only person standing in my way is...me. Well, the fearful side of me I should say.

All through this course so far there has been a tremendous amount of fear built up. What if this group rejects me, even though all I want is to belong? What if there's nothing in the deep for me to mine and bring to the surface? Will I come off as clingy, desperate, or look like a teacher's pet if I ask questions or look for help? What if nothing I do works? Where will I be then?

Thankfully, most of these fears have subsided enough so that I can do the work and not hesitate. There have been times, however brief, where I have been tempted to stop. But when I think about quitting, I know how badly I'll feel if I don't complete something. (I'm bad about that!) And I also remember how much I wanted to do this course and how much I've gained from the experience already.

So even though my steps are sometimes full of doubt I keep plodding along. Fox has been kindly nudging me along my way, reminding me that I can trust my feet and that there will always be something solid beneath them.

After seeing this week's video I referred back to an old livejournal entry I had written five years ago this month. Since we are dealing with Mother Ocean this week I was immediately reminded of it. Every word that I wrote sitting on that beach in North Carolina all those years ago still rings true today. Reading it again I am reminded how serene and open the water is. And how The Letting Go is so much easier there.

One of the things I wanted to do this week before even having seen the video was get back to the pool for some quality swim time. I haven't been in two weeks and I can already tell what a difference it had made. The bonus is that the filtration system at the pool I go to is salt based and not chlorine based like so many others. Making the water more pure and gentle. Another bonus!

So yes- where I am this week is just re-learning to Let Go and be in my own skin the way I used to be and how I remember being. I'll go ahead and copy that entry I spoke of below, in hopes that it might better illustrate what I was talking about. Maybe it'll ring true for some of you as well?


Much Love!

Drumming Journey: Part 2

After my initial meditation experience I was determined to not let it get me down. I had a lot of frustration initially, because when I was younger this sort of thing was always easy for me. Only a few years ago did I notice having any trouble communicating and understanding my intuition.

So for the next round, I decided to be a little more prepared. I had had trouble just "letting go" and not trying to control my vision. Snake had been very kind and patient in guiding me down to meet White Fox. I wasn't sure if she would be there again or not the second time around.

One of the things I did differently was try to clear my space a little more. I usually lay on my bed for meditations, but the first time I hadn't made it up and there was a ton of clutter in the room. I eliminated a lot of it and tidied up around the bed so that maybe the air could flow more easily.

The other thing that I did differently was to use a piece of amethyst and place it on my third eye. I had read up somewhere where amethyst supposedly helps aid in meditation. Well, it can't hurt! :)

Happily I can say that I immediately met up with my guide without any hesitation. We started out by sitting together on a beautiful beach, it felt like we were in North Carolina possibly (a place I had visited before). And we just sat together in silence, getting used to one another's presence. Initially I still felt the need to control the situation in order to move it along. Fox was insistent that we take our time, however.

At some point it was evening, and he and I plodded along a pathway deep into the woods. I don't remember being able to see, but just going by faith and staying beside Fox's side.

We made it into the inner most center of the woods. Someone had already started a small bonfire, and I could see other women gathering around it. I could hear the garbled sounds of people talking and laughing, and someone was passing around finger foods. Bear was there and I remember seeing her wiggle her way down to the ground beside the campfire, trying to avoid sitting on anyone. I remember her being very sweet and welcoming. The bird guides were there, as well as many others, but I can't remember all of them. It was hard to make out anyone in the firelight. Apparently we were so deep in the trees that we couldn't make out any of the stars or even the moon.

Fox and I joined the circle and although I wanted to sit somewhat further back he nudged me up closer to join the rest of the group. He laid down beside me and let me pet the thick fur around his neck.

Soon all the group quieted down and the mood was calm. We were all comfortable in our silence, sitting with all of our guides. I kept feeling the itch to ask Fox what we were all doing, why I should be there, what was my purpose in the circle, etc. But every time I wanted to ask I would just stroke his mane some more and that helped to keep me present in the moment.

After some time I heard the drumming summoning me back. I remember nodding to everyone in the group, and Fox and I moved silently back home.

Altars

Altars and shrines are extremely personal creations and vary wildly from person to person. I first considered building an altar of my own after reading The Red Book by Sera Beak. I was raised in the Baptist church in a small southern town, making altars a thing of extreme mystery and taboo.

Once I realized that even churches have altars and shrines, however, it only made sense to have one in my home. For purposes of keeping this entry short I'm only going into what it takes to build an altar. (Shrines and altars are different, in my opinion, so I am keeping them separate for that reason.)

I wanted my altar to honor the divine in my life: both the feminine and the masculine. I had a multitude of trinkets and gifts from all over the world that I sifted through. I spent time with each item, deciding what sacred meaning it held for me. Discarding the ones that I still had attachments to, but didn't feel right for whatever reason. And keeping the ones that I knew belonged.

Some of the items I used included: my Vasalisa doll, turquoise necklace, panda statue, purple amethyst, and turquoise stone all from Nana; a purple buddha statue and white elephant from a trip to Chinatown, New York; Rose quartz from my Great-Gran; one of my paint palettes and old paintbrush; my hand wraps (reminding me to stand up for myself!); a satchel of rose petals from a rose my parents gave me on Valentine's; A Russian nesting doll from North Carolina; an otter from a friend, and a ceramic charm of an intertwined couple made in Spain and given to me by a college friend. All of these went into a beautiful and well-loved jewelry box from another Great-Grandmother. I used some orange and red silk as a table runner. Beside the box I placed my tarot cards and also my abalone shell and smudge stick.

Originally I kept the altar on the mantle piece in my bedroom. Then I inherited a beautiful marble top table from my Nana and it only felt right to move the altar to that and put it facing the East.

I love having the altar in my bedroom and that it's one of the first things that I see in the morning when I wake up. It helps me center myself before I get up and get ready to greet the day.

When I re-examined the process I took in order to construct this I realized how many of the items were gifts from other women in my life that I loved and admired. I believe what I had been feeling when picking out the pieces was the love and magic inherited in each of them. Looking at this I can see how loved and blessed I am by the women in my life.

While I used a more intuitive guide for this, I know some people would use a more logical approach.  The basic thing to remember when making your altar is to do what feels right and natural to you. Choose items that speak to you, but don't focus too much on why. If something seems out of place, take it off and see how that resonates within you. It might feel odd to combine different things from different cultures, but the culmination of them will make sense in the end. I didn't think combining things from Native American/ Russian/ Spanish/ Chinese and American backgrounds would lend itself to something spiritually cohesive. Yet it turned out to be a perfect reflection of who I am, where I am from, and what I believe.

And it's absolutely beautiful.

Drumming Journey: Part 1

The drumming journey has been by far the hardest part of this course for me. It's not due to anything outside of myself. I have had a block in my mind and in my chest that I haven't been able to fully carve out.  Part of the reason is because of the fear I wrote about at the start of this blog. I was afraid that the totem animal would somehow not be the one that I needed. That we wouldn't be a good fit.

I really wanted otter. I don't know why except that I love the animal dearly. I love their playfulness. I love the way they glide through the water. I especially love their stubby wittle wegs! The cute! It burns!

But no. Otter is not my totem animal.

Starting the process of meditation was not easy. Nothing wanted to work! The music file would not load or play correctly until the 15th try. I couldn't get comfortable on the bed. My brain wouldn't shuuuuttttupp! Complete Princess and the Pea moment, right? Right. (Although I am certainly no princess, and even if there was a pea to cause me discomfort I would have showed it who's boss by EATING THE SUCKER. Mwahaha! ...But I digress!)

Gifts From Grandmother

My Nana Lady

This past year has been one of interesting trials for me and my family. My Nana became unable to take care of herself and live on her own. So by her choice she moved into an assisted living home here in town. Not even a five minute walk from my apartment!

Moving her and making sure she was taken care of by skilled persons meant having to dismantle her home and her belongings and sell what was not given out to family. A process that normally leaves family in tatters left all of us relatively unscathed. There wasn't much, if any, bickering as to who would get what and what would be left to relatives out of state and what would be sold.

During the dismantling, I found out so much about my grandmother that I had not known before. For instance, she had so many elements in and around her home that lend themselves to shamanism and magic making. I was fortunate in that no one else seemed to want any of these pieces, so no one minded my assuming possession.

One of these things was a doll that had been given to Nana when she was a child. The doll was made of delicate porcelain and cotton. She had a beautiful blue calico dress and white apron. Her hair had been painting the deepest black, and her skin was smooth and white. I had played with her when I was but a little fiend. Nana only let me play with her on the promise that I wouldn't ever throw her around or mistreat her. Thankfully I knew to respect both Nana's wishes and the doll's.

Making Prayer Bundles

Our first assignment was to make the prayer bundles that we would string in a tree outdoors, or, as I have done, string them above my altar. (There are not many trees nearby & I also rent. The Landlords would not smile kindly upon something they do not understand.)

I'm really glad that this was our first assignment. As I learned that prayer bundles were typically done at the beginning of most any ceremony. As with a lot of things lately, I had all the necessary ingredients on hand to begin the work. This exercise so far has been the easiest one for me to complete.

I began by finding my twine. I had used it to wrap Christmas gifts with and forgotten where I put it! So there was a massive search about the apartment. (It was with the wrapping paper. Go figure. ;)) I had listened to my gut a week prior to signing up for the course and purchased some fabric scraps which were on clearance. (Do we get points for finally listening to our Universal Nudges? We so should.)

I smudged my work area and set to making and praying. I had a lot of fears starting out. The bigger ones being that there's nothing in me worth mining; that I would somehow be rejected from another group in which I so desperately wanted to be a part of; that I wouldn't get anything 'right' and this whole experience would be a waste of time and money, and that I wouldn't find what I was looking for.

Writing down the fears and the worries, and then reading them aloud, it really seems so silly. What do I have to be afraid of? Really? Absolutely nothing! I trust in the magic, in the Universe, in myself. I also trust in the other women in the circle and our gracious leader, Pixie. I trust in the circle, and that is all that I need.

I put all those fears out into the bundles and prayed for them to be assuaged but the Spirit. Once finished I hung them above the altar in my bedroom which faces East. (I'll talk about my altar a little later.) The string wasn't long enough to go from one end of the window pane to the other, so I took tacks and pinned it to my curtain. (My curtains have been through much worse, I am sure. They did survive me in college. :) )

All in all I was very pleased with the experience and with the outcome. I love waking up each morning and seeing my prayer bundles swaying there in the breeze. I think about how silly it is to be afraid sometimes, and about how many other women are waking up and looking at their own prayer bundles with the same love and adoration.

We are all tied together anyway, aren't we?

Kindling the Spirit

Hi Everyone!

Thank you for stopping by my corner of the internet. I want to welcome you here and hope that you feel like this place is sacred and holds some element of magic for you as it does for me.

I decided to resusitate this blog for the purpose of cataloging my journey and experiences in the SouLodge, gracefully headed up by the Ms coyote, Pixie Campbell. If you are curious about this course, please check Pixie's blog entry here.

I learned of Pixie's blog through Roots of She, how I found RoS, I don't remember. All I know is that Pixie was featured on their blog, and immediately I felt pulled by her magic magnet. I loved reading all that she had to say about life and her work. Something in her words made me miss the parts of me that have gone so long without being fed.

For the past year I have been slowly learning to return to myself, and through this e-course I hope to ilk out a little bit more of me. This blog will be a reflection of that journey. Although I will be maintaining a private journal for more personal reverie, I really felt called to share some of it online. Mostly so that anyone who is journeying with me during this course can come and share their thoughts, experiences, and wisdom. And also for those who will take the journey later- hopefully they will find something here that resonates with them. Breadcrumbs in the forest! :)

So for whatever reason you have found yourself here- by fate by fortune- welcome! Let's go dancing in the daylight!

xoxo